10 Things Smart Parents Do When It Comes To Raising Teenagers

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As a parent of a teenager, I know how easy it is to constantly second-guess yourself and focus on all the things you’re doing wrong. After all, articles, books, TikTok videos, and plenty of people tell us how much we’re messing up our teens, what we’re not doing and should be doing, and so much more. Then your teen will quickly let you know that you are wrong too. They have no problem making you feel like “you just don’t get it” or like you’re the worst parent in the world.

Shh! Being a parent is hard! Even the Surgeon General of the United States, Vivek Murthy, MD, recently pointed out that parents experience more stress and pressure than ever before, what he describes as an “urgent public health problem”.

Although raising a teenager can be difficult and things can seem bleak at times, here’s some much-needed good news. If you do any of the following, give yourself a huge pat on the back. You deserved it!

1. You always show them affection.

We understand. When children are younger, they are much cuddlier and are the perfect size for bear hugs. Teenagers are bigger, taller, sometimes smellier and way too cool for a hug from Mom or Dad.

Despite their aloofness, teens still crave and need affection, says Cameron (Dr. Cam) Caswell, Ph.D.an adolescent psychologist nicknamed “the adolescent translator.” They just need it in a different way than they did when they were younger. “It’s a win if, instead of withdrawing or getting upset when your teen bristles under your hugs and kisses, you adapt to their changing needs by squeezing their shoulder or punching them “, explains Dr. Cam.

2. You are involved, but not bossy.

“Teenagers want to feel independent, but they also want to know that their parents care about them,” says Nick Bach, Psy.D.psychologist and CEO of Grace Psychological Services in Louisville, Kentucky. Finding the balance between controlling too much and giving too much freedom can be tricky but it’s worth it. “When parents achieve this balance, it fosters a relationship based on mutual respect and trust,” says Dr. Bach. “It also gives teens the space to grow while knowing they have a safety net and support.”

Carla Naumburg, Ph.D., LICSWclinical social worker and author of You’re Not a Shitty Parent: How to Show Self-Compassion and Give Yourself a Breakagrees. “Staying involved – getting to know your children’s friends, helping them with their lessons, taking them out for coffee or breakfast for a little one-on-one connection while letting them make their own decisions and mistakes – is a powerful way to let your kids know how much you care,” she says.

3. You respect your teenager’s privacy.

It’s natural to want to know what’s going on in your teen’s life. If you resist the temptation to snoop through their stuff, that’s worth celebrating. “Respecting your teen’s privacy is a sign of trust,” says Dr. Bach. “It shows that you believe in their ability to manage certain aspects of their lives independently. This respect for privacy helps teens feel more empowered and responsible, and it often leads them to be more open and communicative because they don’t feel the need to hide things from you.

Another benefit of giving your teen privacy is that they can learn from your example. “You teach them to respect other people’s boundaries by respecting their own,” says Dr. Cam.

Of course, respecting your teen’s privacy doesn’t mean turning a blind eye. “We don’t need to completely detach ourselves from our teenagers to give them privacy,” says Whitney Flemingmother of three teenagers and author of the next You are not a failure, my teenager doesn’t like me either. “There need to be lots of conversations about appropriate and safe communication, behavior and self-care. »

4. You apologize when you’re wrong.

If you say “sorry” to your teen after overreacting or jumping to conclusions, good for you. “Apologizing when we’re wrong shows teens that everyone makes mistakes, but it’s how we deal with those mistakes that matters,” says Dr. Bach. “This behavior builds trust and respect in the parent-teen relationship because teens feel more understood and validated when parents recognize their own mistakes.”

5. You don’t rush to “fix” everything.

When your teenager tells you about a problem, your first instinct may be to give them advice or solutions. “We forget that it’s our job to prepare our children for the world, not to make everything right for them,” Fleming says. Her advice: “Let your kids (try) to fail while you’re still there to guide them.” » If you step back and become a sounding board for your teen to problem-solve, it builds their independence and problem-solving skills.

6. You listen first, then speak.

“Active listening is crucial in any relationship, but it’s especially true for adolescents who often feel ignored,” says Dr. Bach. “When you listen first and talk later, it validates your teen’s feelings and experiences.” This helps keep communication open, which he says means your teen will likely be more likely to come to you with concerns and problems.

7. You compliment your teenager.

Just as you may feel like you only receive negative comments, so do teens – from their parents, their peers, society, and even themselves. “Focus on recognizing and recognizing what your teen is doing well, rather than just correcting their mistakes,” says Dr. Cam. “It increases their positive behavior, builds self-esteem and strengthens your bond with them.”

This doesn’t mean you should give praise just for the sake of praising them. Teenagers can see clearly, says Dr. Naumburg. To be more authentic, she recommends noticing and recognizing when your teen has overcome a challenge, stepped out of their comfort zone, or worked harder than usual.

8. You don’t constantly say, “When I was your age…”

“Teenagers aren’t looking for constant life lessons: they’re looking for someone who will walk with them through their struggles and offer support,” says Fleming. This support shouldn’t focus on what you did or the fact that things were much harder at their age. If you’re avoiding using this line (and others like it), go for it.

9. You have fun together.

Consider it a win if you and your teen can sometimes goof off together. Share jokes, spend time together, burst out laughing at hilarious things on social media. “There’s nothing more healing than a good laugh, and it’s amazing when you and your teen can let loose,” says Dr. Naumburg.

10. You take care of yourself.

Parents are experiencing more burnout, isolation and loneliness, according to the Surgeon General’s report. You can’t do your best as a parent if you’re not at your best. The good news: “Now that your teen is older and more independent, you probably have a little more flexibility in your schedule,” says Dr. Naumburg. So if you take the time to get enough sleep, relax, move your body, spend time with friends, and have fun, you’re doing a great job!

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