What’s Missing in Our Conversations About Kids and Phones

We’ve all seen the data about phones, social media and the youth mental health crisis and we know it: this generation of children has staggering rates of anxiety and depression. I’m as worried as anyone, and yet I was shocked that a key word – in fact, a fundamental principle in life – was left out: boundaries.

As a clinical psychologist specializing in parenting and family relationships, I’ve noticed a trend toward removing important boundaries to keep children happy. Here’s the problem: kids have always pushed boundaries and asked for things that aren’t good for them; in fact, this is part of a child’s job, as they are expected to explore the world and understand its “edges” or limits. And while the kids continue to do their work, the parents really struggle to do theirs. As a result, the family system is unbalanced and mental health suffers.

The cost of not being able to set boundaries with children has never been higher. Decades ago, if parents struggled to maintain boundaries and tolerate refusals, a child might have eaten an extra cupcake or stayed out too late. Today, the cost of not being able to set boundaries looks more like freely scrolling through TikTok at age 8 or playing endless hours of video games at the expense of participating in the real world. I recognize that we are facing a crisis, but I don’t just see a crisis of phones and social media. I also see a crisis in what I call “strong leadership” at a time when our children need it more than ever.

What do I mean by strong leadership? Robust leadership is a model of parental authority in which parents maintain boundaries and stay connected to a child or, in fact, enhance connection through these times. They do this by validating their child’s feelings while remaining firm on what is best for everyone. It’s the same model that is effective in the workplace or on a sports team: a leader who can stay true to his principles and who cares about the feelings of others without getting caught up in them.

So what does this look like in practice? Imagine your 5-year-old wants you to buy a toy at a toy store, even though you explicitly said you were only going to buy a birthday present for a cousin. Your 5-year-old starts begging for a toy and you experience a tantrum. Robust leadership, in response, would sound like: “I understand. It’s hard to see so many fun toys and not get something. Today I’m only buying a toy for your cousin. I can take a photo of whatever you want so we can remember it later. I love you, we’ll get through this.

You can think of it like a math equation: validation of feelings + maintaining boundaries = strong leadership.

How about an example with an older child? Imagine you just said “no” to your 12-year-old daughter when she asked to have a sleepover and she is, understandably, annoyed with you for not getting what she wants. At this point, strong leadership might look like this: “One of my main jobs is to make decisions that I think are good for you, even when you are angry with me. This is one of those times. I understand you’re upset, I really am. In this example, the parent validated their child’s feelings while remaining firm in their decision to do what they believe is best.

Here’s why it’s so important to set boundaries—early and often—that the day our kids ask for a phone or Instagram, our approach won’t be limited to a universally recognized “media policy” we have as parents; our approach will simply be an extension of how we have always interacted with our children based on their desires and requests.

Learn more: How Dr. Becky Became the Millennial Parenting Whisperer

As much as I am a fan of limits, I am even more a fan of this idea: it is never too late, the right time to change is always now. So if you’re a parent who’s already given your kids a phone or access to social media and wish you’d held back, all is not lost. Think of yourself as a pilot who always has the right to return to base if the skies are more turbulent than expected. In fact, it’s something passengers wish a pilot would do, even if they seem bored at the time. You are the pilot of your family plane and although your child will never thank you for changing your rules, years later they will benefit from your toughness and protective actions.

The key is to start with small steps. For example, it might be a conversation with your child that goes something like this: “I’ve been reading a lot about phones, social media, and your health. I am responsible for your well-being and safety. I know it won’t be easy, but starting tonight, we’re all going to keep our phones outside of our rooms when we turn in for the night. In this example, the parent embodies their authority with boundaries and warmth, and this new rule is intended to protect, not punish.

My life’s work has been helping parents become confident and robust leaders so that they can raise confident and robust children. We know that phones and social media are hindering our children’s ability to thrive, but parents need more support. We need to broaden the conversation so that instead of feeling trapped in fear, parents know the practical skills they can develop to bring about change and support their children.