How to deal with a friend who is richer than you?

Dear A&E,

My best friend of 30 years recently became rich after her husband’s construction business took off over the last five years. The problem is not that I have become a green-eyed monster, but that she is constantly flaunting her flashy new lifestyle, making incessant references to their abundance of money! I’m struggling financially, working full time with a modest salary and a very basic lifestyle. Am I being unreasonable in expecting her not to order the most expensive item on the menu and then split the bill? Or constantly refer to her lifestyle as a luxurious lady of leisure? I really value our friendship but I just wish it was more thoughtful and sensitive.

– Upset

Dear Miffed,

It’s always difficult when big changes happen to one person in a friendship, especially when that change revolves around something we aspire to or something that society has taught us to believe we should aspire to. This could be a new relationship; to lose weight; earn significant money or a number of other changes. If it’s about what we don’t have, part of us will often wonder, “Why not me?” Of course we do. And then we proceed without destroying our relationships, even though the luck of others can be so painful when we are struggling. This can make us hate them a little. Babies. Promotions. Aptitude. Our good friends mirror certain aspects of life to us and this will serve to highlight how we feel about ourselves and our situation. It’s just human nature.

But it feels like two things are at play here: first, is she “flaunting,” or is that just what you mean? You say you’re not jealous. “Luxury lady-of-leisure-lifestyle”?!? You look jealous. It’s good. We’d probably be jealous too. Changes are difficult. What is she supposed to do? This is his reality now. She tells you about her life. She’s not pretending she didn’t have those shoes or that kitchen. She doesn’t hide the new bag or the flashy vacation. You read him as being arrogant. Just as some are willing to accuse a woman with a conventionally sensational body in a bikini of “flaunting” her figure when in fact she is just… wearing a bikini, your friend can’t help but think that she has now a rich way of life. It’s just his life. It would be difficult for him to leave everything behind.

But you work hard and struggle, which makes this dynamic difficult and painful. You go without, while she’s busy doing fabulous things. This is why we all sulk while scrolling on Instagram. It’s worth remembering that getting richer hasn’t made you poorer. The context and comparison made you feel poorer, but your life continues as it always has. She may not have learned how to manage her new money yet. This brings us to the second point, which is less tricky.