My Nonbinary Teenager Changed Her Name and I Accidentally Died Her

• At age 11, my child came out as non-binary and changed his name and pronouns.
• I immediately accepted my child’s new name, but I accidentally gave him a dead name while traveling.
• Luckily, my teenager took it with no problem, and I hope it’s because she feels my support.

My two teenagers and I was in Germany for our very first overseas adventure. The trip had been incredible, starting with a Taylor Swift concert in Munich. We then headed to Prague and Berlin.

But this trip hadn’t been perfect. I accidentally kept give my child a name.

Nico dated her new name and pronouns — she/they — just before her 11th birthday. I wasn’t surprised when it happened. What surprised me was how proactive my child was in sharing his new identity. She tends to be shy and introverted.

As she traveled through gender identitiesI saw Nico become bolder and more confident – ​​standing up not only for herself but for other LBGTQ+ people as well. It made my heart swell with pride.

This also made me very cautious about tracking and being accurate about his name. It hasn’t always been easy.

I gave my youngest a dead name during our vacation

Three years later my child I changed her name – and with strong experience using the name she had chosen – I had been almost powerless to prevent making her dead since our arrival in Berlin, where we were staying with my friend Saundrah and her girl.

Saundrah and I are an unlikely couple – opposite personalities but surprisingly similar in our sensibilities. We even decided to give our children the same name. My Annika was born almost a year to the day after Saundrah’s. Since we lived on different continents, we thought their common name would be a nice long distance connection and another similarity between us.

Like their mothers, our two Annikas have a lot in common but are also very different. For example, mine chose the first name Nico as part of a gender journey.

It hadn’t been too difficult to deal with his mother’s name change. But somehow get the two children together it broke my brain.

Case in point: It was our second day in Berlin. Saundrah and Annika went to get bubble tea, so I asked my child if she wanted to go too.

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“Do you want to go meet Saundrah for bubble tea, Annik – gah. I mean Nico. I’m so sorry,” I asked, fumbling my question and apologizing, mortified.

This was easily the fifth time I’d called him a dead name since we arrived.

Nico barely looked up from the bracelets she was examining. “No, I’m fine,” she replied.

It can be difficult to read a adolescent emotions. Was her terse response because she was annoyed with me or because she was legitimately fine? I decided to take his answer literally. This deadly name did not seem to have bothered her.

I was relieved. Not so long ago, hearing “Annika” would have upset her.

My child is supported whatever their name

It’s a strange thing when your child changes his name. As a parent, you spend hours searching for the right name for you, often a name that connects your new baby to their newborn. family of origin. Then they are born and when you say their name repeatedly, you leave your mark on it. This name is the phonemic representation of this human you created. I will never hear the name “Annika” and I will never hear the love imbued in every syllable.

But you know what else?

Being a parent is about letting go. It’s about realizing that you have created a new person who exists independently of your unconditional love. So when my child chose not to use his first name, I respected his choice.

And shortly after, Nico seemed right to me. When I look at my child, I see Nico.

When she didn’t react when I pointed her out during our trip, I realized she had made peace with the transition. Nico is her chosen nameand Annika is his legal person. It’s just a matter of fact. I would like to think that this change happened in part because she was 100% supported in her gender journey. So now it doesn’t matter if she occasionally has to recognize “Annika” on legal documents — or if her mother’s mind gets foggy.

The intention is good. I think she always feels seen, and that’s what’s important.