I Raised 5 Kids — Here's What I Learned About Supporting Teens

I’m a mother of two and a stepmother of three, and the last 20 years of teenage parenting have taught me a lot.
Connect with teens through music, food and by trying what interests them.
Support them as they explore new activities, new friends, and life after high school.

My youngest child is a junior in high school This year. One day, as I was picking them up from theater practice, it struck me: This would be it: the last time I taught someone to drive, the last ride home, the last transfers to and from school.

We are a blended family with five children. I am a stepmother of three children. I have a 24 year old son from my previous marriage and the youngest is ours. We’ve done high school freshman orientations and graduations, proms, games, and the stress of college four times.

When I look back on the last 20 years of being a parent of school-age childrenI realize that these five very different people taught me a lot.

Here are my eight tips for parenting teenagers that everyone should know.

Snacks first, then questions

Maybe it’s the short lunch periods, lack of snacks, or all the growing up, but teens always seem hungry.

When I pick up my teenager at the end of a long day, I always provide snacks in the car before asking him questions about his day, his homework or what he wants for dinner. It’s harder to talk to a hungry child.

Use music to connect

Music can be a conversation starter. Or a way to avoid the awkward silence when they’re too tired to speak. I learned to have a playlist they created or have a Spotify mix loaded in the car.

I let them introduce me to new artists. Be curious and ask questions like, “Where did you first hear this song?” or “Do they have any other songs you like?” can be conversation starters. Also ask them if their friends like the same music.

It’s a subtle way to learn more about their friends and what they do during the day.

High school is the time for them to try something new

Our high school has over 50 different clubs and activities. Beyond the usual activities – soccer, band, theater – there are clubs for Bass Fishing, Women & Leadership, Filipino American Student Association, Chamber Choir and even Paws 4 Change.

The author’s son tried wrestling and football, but preferred competitive cheerleading.

Courtesy of the author

I’ve seen teenagers make major changes to their extracurricular activities when they hit high school: football players doing co-ed cheerleading, band kids joining theater, and even a football star developing a passion for cooking .

Support these changes and show that you are committed: go to shows, wait in line, cook something at home that they made at school, etc.

I hope they find their people

As they try new things, they will likely meet new people and their friends might change.

This is the time for them to find that crowd they can be themselves with. When they do, they will be more confident, more comfortable and happier.

I make sure to be supportive and get to know these new friends. I learn their names and interests and meet new parents.

You won’t see them as much

Not seeing my teenagers as much is usually a good thing. This means they are independent, exploring the world and finding their people.

I use their constant hunger as an opportunity to sit down to eat together, put cell phones aside, and really connect with each other.

Try what they like to do

My youngest loves Dungeons and Dragons. Last year we played as a family as part of a career change course I was taking.

Playing Dungeons and Dragons as a family has become the author’s regular Sunday afternoon activity.

Courtesy of the author

While playing, I saw my children’s creativity and leadership, and we spent hours laughing and connecting as a family.

Play a game, see a show, go to a concert, see their favorite team, find out what your teen likes and do something together. This gives you something to talk about and shows them that you are committed to their interests.

They need us to be open-minded and support them in their post-secondary plans.

Not everyone goes to the Ivy League, plays Division 1 sports, or becomes a CEO.

Be curious about what they want to explore after high school. Be a safe space for conversations about the future. Be open to them taking a different path than you planned or had planned for them.

You will love yourself, but you won’t always love yourself

They may be taller than you and look like adults, but they’re not. According to the National Institute of Mental Health, the brain never stops developing and maturing into the mid to late 20s.

They often see the world differently than we do. I had days where I felt like I had nothing in common with my child. Or we’re both having a day and all we do is frustrate each other.

There will be those days, and that’s okay. Even when they’re being completely infuriating, always tell them you love them.