Making a partner jealous usually does a lot more harm than good

You’ve probably heard the age-old belief that if your partner gets attention from others, it will make them more attractive to you and save your relationship, right?

But what if this notion is a little irrelevant? That’s exactly what new research has found: The response to third-party interest in our partners may not be what we expected.

In a deeply insightful study led by Professor Gurit Birnbaum and Professor Doron Friedman, affiliated with the Baruch Ivcher School of Psychology at Reichman University, a new perspective on relationship dynamics is revealed.

The accent? How your partner’s popularity with others can influence your level of attraction, commitment and competitiveness.

Choosing relationship partners

Choosing a life partner is undoubtedly one of the most critical decisions we ever make. It’s like signing up for a marathon: profoundly influencing the course of your life, shaping your happiness, and directing your journey.

Naturally, humans have devised strategies over time to facilitate this process, such as observing how others react to potential partners.

This is what scientists call “mate copying,” a phenomenon observed in many species.

Attention of partners in the relationship

Previous research confirms that witnessing others’ desire for a potential partner tends to increase their attractiveness in our eyes. Interestingly, it doesn’t stop once we fight.

Evaluations continue, our view of our partners being strongly influenced by their attractiveness to others.

But here’s the catch: This external attention can elicit different reactions, depending on whether you’re looking for a partner or already in a relationship.

The current partner conundrum

The experiment aimed to understand what happens when the focus is on our current partners.

Specifically, how does observing others flirt with our partner influence our perception of their attraction, the effort to maintain the relationship, and the instinct to ward off competing attention?

Does it fan the flames of desire or does it put us in danger?

How the study was conducted

The research involved three separate experiments.

Participants in committed relationships were presented through scenarios in which their partner received unwanted attention or had a neutral interaction with a third party.

Participants then rated their sexual desire for their partner, their willingness to make sacrifices for the relationship, and their desire to push away the competitor.

In each attempt, exposure to external attention directed toward the partner was manipulated differently.

The first experiment used the power of imagination, the second exploited the immersive nature of virtual reality, while the third looked at participants’ real-life experiences.

Revealing results

Across all experiments, a recurring theme emerged: When participants observed other people showing interest in their partner, their desire for their partner decreased.

Their propensity to make sacrifices for the relationship also decreased, while their need to ward off competitors intensified.

“We were in Tel Aviv, when suddenly a guy came and asked me for my girlfriend’s number. I got angry, like, who does he think he is?! My girlfriend quickly dismissed him, but my mind was already filled with questions: What if she found him attractive? Can I lose it? Would she be happier with him? » noted one participant.

“Although some people may attempt to make their partner jealous by attracting attention from others, hoping to feel more desirable or secure, research indicates that this tactic can backfire. Rather than strengthening the relationship, it could undermine the very bond it seeks to strengthen,” says Professor Gurit Birnbaum of Reichman University.

Relationship dynamics of partners

The results of this study challenge traditional assumptions about jealousy and attraction toward your partner in romantic relationships.

By revealing that outside interest can decrease a partner’s attractiveness rather than enhance it, the research prompts a reevaluation of how jealousy is perceived.

An over-reliance on provoking jealousy as a method of increasing desirability could, in fact, lead to emotional detachment and a questioning of relationship stability.

This apprehension suggests that cultivating a safe and affirming environment may be a more effective strategy for fostering long-term relational health.

Understanding these dynamics is crucial for therapists and counselors who guide couples through relationship challenges, helping them move beyond potentially harmful tactics in pursuit of true intimacy and connection.

Future Directions

The groundbreaking results of the Reichman University study open up new avenues of research in the field of psychology, particularly regarding the dynamics and relationships of partner choice.

Future studies could explore the psychological mechanisms behind partner choice copying and its variations across different cultures and relationship contexts.

Furthermore, it is possible to deepen the role of virtual reality as a tool for simulating and studying complex social interactions with an impact on relational psychology.

Such explorations can further elucidate the nuanced interplay between individual psychological processes and the external social environment that determines attraction and engagement.

By continuing to study these elements, future research can contribute to a more complete understanding of human relational behavior and promote strategies for nurturing healthier, more resilient partnerships.

Why is this important?

Of course, witnessing others’ interest in a potential partner may make them more attractive initially, but in a committed relationship, the same attention can have the opposite effect.

It seems that the fear of losing a partner can cause us to create emotional distance and limit our investment in the relationship.

Meanwhile, any aggression towards the rival is not so much about preserving the relationship but rather about the natural human desire for revenge.

The study is published in The Journal of Sex Research.

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